Skirt: Nordstrom Rack, Top: Thrift find, Beaded Necklace: Thrift find, Silver Necklace: Hobby Lobby, Shawl: Thrift find, Sandals: Old Navy, Sunnies: Urban Outfitters, Scrunchy: American Appera, Lipstick: MAC
Shorts: Urban Outfitters, Lace Tank: Thrift find, Shawl: F21, Necklace: Thrift find, Shoes: Thrift find, Fur: Vintage, Sunnies: Marcellas Boutique Denver
My recovery process has seemingly been going very smooth. It’s like I’ve finally taken the steps to fall in love with myself once again. I’ve started speaking my mind when I usually would stay silent. I think my trauma did that to me. It slaughtered my voice and I’m barely finding it.
My friend Hope from back home in El Paso came to visit and don’t take me wrong it was lovely seeing her and showing off this wonderful city I live in to her but a lot came up for me during her visit. First, I realized how far I’ve come since the 16 year old mess I once was. Seemed like some of my old friends are still trapped in the vicious cycle of excess, filled with substance abuse, late night puking, and the morning after’s that come with nothing but regret and shame. I no longer experience that in that aspect. Perhaps it’s my eating disorder that is still a roller coaster but right now it’s on its way up and I’m doing everything in my power to keep it on that upward flow. I’m so sick of playing the victim because I’m not. I’m a survivor. I’ve come to far. Now that death isn’t a viable option my only choice is to keep fighting and moving forward. It’s intimidating to know I have a future ahead of me. It’s frightening that I will soon be independent and steering the wheel the best way I find suiting.
Lately, I’ve been taking up this practice of doing some asanas in the sanctuary room of our house completely naked. It sounds bizarre but the longer I actually acknowledge and thank my body for all it allows me to do the closer I am to obtaining self-love. I mean yoga is the journey to the self, through the self. On this journey I’m able to see my capacities, my strength, my ability to find the right stance to achieve balance on and off the mat. The more comfortable and used to being naked takes me back to being a newborn child, clueless as to what it means to inhabit a body, a body that establishes your place in the world. It seems silly that I’m almost 22 years old and barely coming in touch with that notion. But it’s always better than never.
I feel myself on the right track. Like I have everything in order to proceed on to the next chapter and no matter how intense my anxieties are over flipping the page I can’t help but be elated that something brilliant is in stock for me if I don’t let myself collapse. I do fall. There are days when I just feel its equally exhausting to fight for a healthy life and to just sit around and give in to the demands of your decade long unhealthy behaviors but I see the light at the end of the tunnel. There is no turning back.
Not to mention I’ve been having really positive body image days from time to time which make dressing and going out even more of a joy. Not just dressing and going out but I’ve finally been able to get intimate with complete loss of inhibitions and constraining thoughts of, “O shit my body is gross therefore this person wanting to see me bare is gross.” Pause, freeze. I can’t do this.” That didn’t run through my head. Progress right. Sorry I just feel the need to keep tabs so I don’t forget on those dark ominous days that I am going forward.
For this photo shoot I stilled myself in a neutral color palette of beige, tan, baby pink, and black. It was an easy to throw together outfit that just came at me as I went through my piles of clothes. For some reason my styling is merely intuitive. Hardly ever do I go on to see what other designers are bringing to the table. I have good intuition when it comes to clothes and I don’t abide by the rules of what’s in and what’s not. My styling world is mine and mine only. My outfit is soft but rough around the edges. I like that you can see the battle scars on my legs. It reminds me of the Red Hot Chili Pepper’s Scar Tissue. Especially that line by Anthony Keidis, “I’ll make it to the moon if I have to crawl.” I know he’s referencing his addiction to heroin but to me that encompasses the power that my eating disorder has over me. The thing is I don’t want to crawl to the moon any longer. I want that fresh start the band got with their new guitarist and shift to a more melodic sound. It was like a reset for Anthony and it resonates with me. With the birds I WON’T share a lonely view. I have so many supporters to watch it with me. This ensemble captures the extremes of my battle. Everything seeming black or a color lacking saturation. I feel the small dark components of the outfit really capture my evolution into self-transcendence. I’m not longer walking around with a black and white mentality. I’m assuming colors will create a balance.
For Suzy’s outfit I went in the polar opposite direction. It was an abundance of loud, bright colors and textures that just screamed excess. I’ve been reading a lot of Bret Easton Ellis novels and the concept of excess has stuck. Suzy’s outfit isn’t something I normally wouldn’t wear but she insisted on adding pieces like a fur scarf and a fake tattoo sleeve. I’d say her outfit was a tad over the top but we live in a society of excess and it seemed to work for me at the time for her to just rejoice in dressing it up as much as she pleased.
I mean as much as I want this project to be an archive of my own styling choices I always value and agree to suggestions. I have no ideal destination so the road is ours and we can use it as vastly as we find suited. It makes the creative process so much more interesting and fun when you have a collaboration of ideals. I guess that’s especially true these days when I’m on a more minimalist styling train.
Suzy doesn’t want to write an excerpt on her experience because she feels we need to talk more about the project and she felt the photo shoots were quick. This has never posed a problem for other participants in my project but I shall respect her request and instead just share our creations.
“Soft spoken with a broken jaw
Step outside but not to brawl
Autumn’s sweet we call it fall
I’ll make it to the moon if I have to crawl and
With the birds I’ll share
This lonely view…”
-Red Hot Chili Peppers
“Remember be kind to yourself. Embrace your insecurities they are part of the beauty that makes you who you are and you are beauty, you are soul, you are love. Channel that into the world and a more fulfilling glass of water is what you’ll be sipping on”